


Thinking (Aware)

by syriala



Series: Meet Me Again, Time After Time [7]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Issues, Post-Iron Man 1, Tony is not happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 20:40:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3824365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syriala/pseuds/syriala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark was Iron Man and he just told the world.That the Soldier dropped by and seemed more lucid than ever only added to this whole mess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thinking (Aware)

**Author's Note:**

> As you might have noticed I ditched the 7+1 tag, because let's be honest that's not going to happen. I had a few comments saying that they are sad that this series ends in two parts but that's not happening. I didn't count the Interlude as a real chapter to begin with and thanks to Post_U_Later I realized that I missed the major opportunity to write about Iron Man 2 so now there will be a part for every Iron Man movie. 
> 
> I am currently writing the last part for this series and that already has 4 chapters so you shouldn't be too worried that this will end anytime soon^^

Tony felt stiff all over. He knew that he had made a good impression at the press conference, that no one knew how much every move hurt him, but now back in the mansion there was no more need to hide it and so he moved as gingerly as he wanted. 

It hadn't been his intention to reveal his identity, Coulson had made some good points about not only his but also Pepper’s, Happy’s and Rhodey’s safety, but that damn woman had bugged him so much that it just slipped out. Tony couldn’t even bring himself to regret it. People should know what he did.

Pepper hadn't been happy with him and neither had Rhodey and Coulson was on the phone before Tony could even think about apologizing to him so Tony guessed that things were being handled. 

Rhodey had ushered him off the stage after his big reveal, not allowing any more questions, desperate to get Tony away from the press, and Pepper had already called Happy to drive him off. Tony hurt too much to even protest to drive himself but he had refused to climb into the back and so he took the place next to Happy.

Happy hadn't talked to him and Tony knew that he just made Happy’s job practically redundant by announcing that he was kind of a superhero but Tony couldn't care less at the moment. All he wanted to do was go to bed or into his workshop, wherever his feet brought him first. 

To his surprise they first brought him to the couch that Obadiah had, well, attacked him on. He couldn't look at it without being reminded of that, of the horrible noise that rendered him completely helpless, and he knew that he would have to replace it. He couldn't stand having it in his house. 

He stared at the couch, lost in thought, and when he saw the trace of blood on the back of his couch he felt paralyzed all over again. Tony had to forcefully remind himself that this was not happening again, that no one else had the technology, but he needed to make sure of that. 

"Jarvis make a note. We need to find all the paralyzers. I don't want any of them out there." Some part of his brain pointed out that it would probably be a good addition to his suit but he shoved that thought away. He would not use that no matter how handy it might be. 

"Do you want me to find a way to localize them, Sir?" 

"Yes. The plans should still be on the Stark server. Use them." Tony doubted that Obadiah had handed them out and he was hopeful that there would only be this one prototype do deal with but he wouldn’t take any chances.

"I will start immediately." 

Tony turned away from the couch to get something to drink and he downed the glass in one go. It pleasantly burned a way through his throat and Tony felt immediately more relaxed. He knew that it was most likely only his imagination but that didn't matter. He filled a second glass and turned around. Sleep was off the agenda for now, he was too wired, and so he went down to his workshop. 

Dummy was waiting at the stairs for him, You close behind and Tony petted their heads when they whirred at them. 

"Dummy I have to thank you. You saved my life." Dummy made a little clicking noise and Tony smiled. "Which reminds me. Jarvis, what did he do to you?" 

"He shut me down, Sir. I fully analysed the incident and a report is ready for you." 

"Good. We don't want that to happen again." 

"No, Sir, certainly not" Jarvis replied and for the first time Tony considered that it couldn't have been fun for Jarvis to suddenly be turned off, to lose a large portion of a day. Tony would have to make sure that it wouldn't happen again. 

He went to his desk to start reading the report immediately but when he sat down pain shot through his body and reminded him that working was probably not his best option right now. Instead of going to bed though he downed the second glass and only then remembered that he kept no alcohol in the workshop. He had some bad incidents with that and if he wanted a refill he would have to get up and climb the stairs again. Which was not a thing he was keen on. So he put the glass aside with a sigh and brought the Iron Man plans up.

The fight with Obadiah had revealed some weak spots and he had a few idea on how to fix them. And since there was no time like the now he immediately started to make notes, to sketch the needed parts and to let Jarvis run some calculations. 

He had more ideas than he originally thought; almost completely reinventing some parts of the armour and when he looked at the watch he realized that he had been up all night. 

"Jarvis save all of that" Tony said and ran a hand over his face. Maybe with that out of his system he would be able to sleep. He was certainly tired enough. Tony slowly got up, now even more aware of all the places that hurt and stiff from staying in one position too long, and was on his way up the stairs when Jarvis said "Sir, the Soldier is walking the premises." 

Tony stopped in the middle of the stairs. It was the first time the Soldier ever came to his house in Malibu. Sure they have met over the course of the years but always in a park or an alleyway. Tony had made a point to walk through the parks as much as before even if it was a long way from his house which came with the secluded location. It had its perks but the way to the park certainly was a downside. 

But the Soldier had never made his way over to his house and so this was a first and Tony found that he was quite nervous. He had installed a special protocol just for this case which allowed the Soldier to enter the house without any trouble and without Jarvis enabling the defence mechanism. 

While Tony made his way further up the stairs he opened a window to watch the Soldier. He was cautiously prowling around the house, obviously looking for the best entry point and he seemed to carefully weigh his options. 

"Sir, do you want me to open a door?" 

"No Jarvis. Let him come inside himself." Tony could practically feel Jarvis dismay at that but he didn't care. 

"I could start a facial recognition program and search the databases for him" Jarvis offered when the Soldier continued to walk around instead of coming in. 

Tony couldn't deny that he had been tempted many times to just break into every known database and find out who the hell he was. He had been curious the moment he met the man but now after nearly 30 years he was still the same mystery to Tony as he was before. 

He was sure that it was still the same guy, even though he didn’t seem to have aged a bit. It baffled Tony to say the least but the mystery about the Soldier was part of the thrill for him. Besides, whenever he dug to deep it was bound to blow up in his face and he really wanted the Soldier to stay.

He had no idea who the Soldier worked for or what happened to him and he was desperate to find that out but he really wanted the Soldier to tell him and it seemed unlikely that that would happen anytime soon. Not with the confusion the Soldier found himself in every time he came to Tony.

There were some good times when he really seemed to recognize Tony but mostly he seemed confused why he was meeting with him. And Tony was just as equally confused as the guy because really. Why the hell was he meeting with him again and again? 

Tony believed that the first few time had been coincidences but the meetings at the park couldn't probably count as such. The Soldier seemed to actively seek him out. Him coming to the house was just another proof of that because no one stumbled around here by mistake. 

While Tony was lost in his thoughts the Soldier had obviously found a way into the house because when Tony looked up Jarvis had opened a new window that showed the Soldier making his way through a part of the house. 

Jarvis immediately began to scan the Soldier for weapons, and brought up a hole arsenal the Soldier was carrying, but mostly because of the arm. Tony hadn't been able to get a good look at it yet and the last time had been a couple of years back so it probably was upgraded by now. But Tony hadn't forgotten what brought him back to his father’s company years ago and he still intended to make the Soldier a new arm. 

This was the first time that Jarvis got the chance to scan the arm and Tony was glad he finally got the chance to do that. He had tried to sneak a glance every now and then but the Soldier didn't seem to like the arm much and he never allowed Tony closer to it than he needed to be except when it needed to be repaired. 

This was the first good opportunity that presented itself to Tony since he did the minor repairs and Tony didn’t intend to waste it. 

While his thoughts were still caught up with this the Soldier had made his way to Tony. He seemed to have no problem to navigate through the house even though he had never been there before and Tony briefly wondered if whoever the Soldier worked for had a blueprint of this building. 

Many people had seen the blueprints for this house because Tony had flashed them around when he designed it and he made a mental note to never do that again. If he ever built a new house he would keep the blueprints close to himself and only a few people would be allowed to see all the blueprints. 

While Tony had pondered over that the Soldier had made his way to him and was now standing right in front of Tony and while he wasn’t standing at attention he certainly seemed stressed. 

“I know you” was the first thing he said to Tony and while he occasionally recognized Tony it was never this quickly. “Why do I know you but not my own name?” the Soldier went on and Tony frowned. 

The Soldier never talked like this not if Tony didn’t talk first and Tony had never heard him talk about his name. 

“You don’t know your name?” Tony asked because he couldn’t quite believe this. 

“No. Why do I know yours?” 

“I don’t know. We’ve met” was the best Tony could come up with. 

“Yes I know. We met when you were two.” 

That was news to Tony. His first memory of the Soldier was in the alleyway back when he was seven. Sure he dreamt of the arm but he always believed it was because he had caught a glimpse of the Soldier before. He didn’t know that they had actually met before that. 

“What happened?” Tony asked the Soldier curiously and went to sit on the stairs. His legs didn’t feel like they would support him much longer and he would never ever touch the couch again, so the stairs were his next best option. The Soldier looked over at the couch and obviously noticed the bloodstains because he came to sit next to Tony without mentioning the couch. 

“You were lost and you cried a lot. You didn’t want to let go of my arm” he finally said and Tony chuckled because yes, that was certainly a thing he would do. “I finished my mission and brought you back to your mother” the Soldier finished and stared at his hands. 

Tony wanted to ask about the mission, about every mission the Soldier had done, but he restrained himself. He had promised himself that he would never ask the Soldier about his work or his employers, not if he didn’t want to tell him, and while now certainly seemed to be the perfect time he kept his mouth shut. He wanted to honour the privacy of the Soldier and not meddle with it like he did with everything else. And so far the Soldier hadn’t given him a reason to distrust him.

“I don’t remember that” Tony mumbled instead of asking any questions and looked at the Soldier who shrugged. “I do. So why do I remember this but not my name?” 

“I don’t know” Tony said again and then he asked “What else do you remember?” 

The Soldier stared off for a few moments before he said “There’s an organisation. I am an asset. Cold and pain. I am on a mission.” 

“Am I your mission?” Tony warily asked because he could guess that the Soldier was mainly used for assassinations, his whole get up practically screamed stealth. And at the thought of being the target Tony even forgot his resolution to not ask the Soldier about his job. Tony wouldn’t be surprised if after the stunt he pulled today at the press conference someone wanted him out of the way and he wanted to be prepared for that.

“No. You are not. I came here by myself.” The Soldier stopped there but before Tony could say anything to that he went on. “You were gone” he said and his voice sounded small. 

Jarvis hadn’t mentioned that the Soldier came by when he was in Afghanistan and so Tony guessed that the Soldier must have seen the news. Tony had found himself more often occupied with thoughts about the Soldier than he wanted to admit when he had been in the cave. Sure, he had thought about Pepper and Rhodey and Happy and what a mess they would all be in if he died here but those thoughts occupied his every waking moment. 

When it was quiet and Yinsen and he were finally lying down to get some rest his thoughts had always wandered to the Soldier. No one would contact him, he would learn from the news what happened to him and Tony wondered how long it would take for the Soldier to stop coming by. He never seemed to realize he was doing it until he was standing in front of Tony and maybe he would try multiple times before he realized that Tony really wasn’t going to come back this time. These thoughts only added to the regret that Tony already had for how he left things. How careless and ignorant he had been. It was just one more weight to add to the pile. 

“My handlers were quite happy about that” the Soldier continued when Tony stayed quiet for too longs and Tony frowned. 

It was a strange way to address the people he worked for and it got Tony worried. The way the Soldier had referred to himself earlier and now to his employers and the way the arm seemed to constantly hurt him… it didn’t paint a nice picture. Especially not if they wanted him out of the way.

The Soldier was staring at his chest now, probably drawn there by the faint light and Tony instinctively covered the arc reactor. He didn’t know if he would ever be comfortable with anyone looking at it, let alone touching. “They altered you” the Soldier eventually said and Tony shrugged. 

“It saved my life” he answered, not mentioning that it almost killed him on more than one occasion too. He also pushed the memory of Yinsen away. The last thing he needed right now was to remember another person he had failed.

The Soldier looked like he wanted to touch it, the light was still coming out around Tony’s hand, and his hand even twitched but he didn’t make a move though he also didn’t turn his eyes away. “Good” was the only reply Tony eventually got before the Soldier fell silent again.

“So you are not here for me? Your…handlers didn’t send you?” Tony asked the Soldier again to distract himself from darker thoughts. He just needed to make sure that no one was out there to kill him right this second.

“I am here for you. But they don’t know that.” It seemed like the Soldier went out of his way to meet Tony. “And you are hurt” he went on, an accusing tone in his voice now. 

Tony’s hand intuitively went up to the bruise that Pepper had covered with make-up and he gave the Soldier a tight smile. “I am. I have some unpleasant months behind me.” 

“I can see that” the Soldier retorted and stood up. “I have to go. They will get suspicious.” 

Tony got up as well although he lacked the grace of the Soldier. “I am sorry I don’t know your name” he mumbled and the Soldier shrugged. 

“It doesn’t matter. That is not important. You’re back” and the way he said it made it sound like that was the most important thing to him right now and it made Tony’s throat tight. 

“I am” he agreed and the Soldier nodded once before he was gone once more. 

Tony needed to sit down again because that was undoubtedly the strangest visit he ever had. The Soldier had never seemed so lucid, he always seemed lost, like he didn’t know where he was or why, but today was different and Tony wondered what had brought this on. 

Was it because the Soldier had been worried? Or did his employers, his handlers as the Soldier put it, done something? 

Tony knew that they couldn’t treat him very well even though he seemed healthy enough but the memory thing was certainly a problem. And it worried Tony enough that he had found himself almost giving an order to Jarvis to find out everything he could about the Soldier multiple times over the course of the last 10 years or so but he always stopped. 

And it wasn’t even because of all the horrors Tony would no doubt find but because of the Soldier himself. It was kind of a thrill to not know anything about him, not his name or his employers, and still trust him that much. 

Because Tony did trust him even though the Soldier could crush him with that metal arm alone and nearly did on some occasions. And still Tony trusted him. Enough to disable Jarvis defence protocol when it came to the Soldier. 

And even though Tony couldn’t do anything for the Soldier, couldn’t even tell him his own name, he always came back to him. Which was a miracle in itself. 

“Sir, I have a full analysis of the arm” Jarvis said and brought Tony back from that thought. 

“Good. Fire it up downstairs” Tony said as he got up again and slowly made his way down to the workshop. 

“Sir, I really think you should rest. This can wait until tomorrow.” 

Jarvis was probably right but no way in hell was Tony going to sleep when he could finally understand the arm. That was just not happening. He needed to know so that he could help the Soldier. He had to do something for him.

So he didn’t answer Jarvis and instead slowly made his way to his workshop where several windows were already waiting for him. There were general vitals of the Soldier and a blueprint of the arm as well as a manipulative hologram of it. 

But what needed the most space was the connection between the arm and the Solider and what Tony saw made his stomach turn upside down. Tony had guessed that replacing it wouldn’t be that easy because the one time he had been able to get a good look at it he couldn’t make out a joint, at least not on the outside. 

He had hoped that the outside would be like a case, easily removed, but according to this data that was not the situation. 

Like Tony had thought, it went deeper than any normal prosthetic would but this was horrible. The people who did this had obviously fused the metal of the arm with the Soldier’s bones; they had laced it in his clavicle and whatever was left of the shoulder and even with the first four of his ribs. 

When Tony turned the hologram around he could see that they also fused the metal into his vertebrae and some wires made his way into his head, probably for the control over the arm. 

The arm also seemed to be much heavier than he originally thought and Tony was no expert on the human body, he never had much reason to look into biology like that, but even he could make out that the spine was slightly dented to the side of the arm, as if the weight was too much to hold. 

Tony turned his attention to the blueprint of the arm and he could see that it was fairly advanced but even with just a hurried look he could find 17 points he could improve. 

Whoever had made this had clearly aimed at functionality and didn’t spare a thought on the person who would have to live with this because while it was incredible useful it seemed to foremost serve as a weapon and not as a replacement for the arm. 

It was heavily armed, the outside seemed almost impenetrable apart for the space between the plates, but it all came at the cost of the weight. 

Tony went on to the inner workings of the arm and while he could make out enough sensors that would allow the Soldier to use the arm for precision work there were no sensors for heat or texture even though it was clear that there could be. 

The pressure sensors were dominating everything and Tony was pretty sure that there were more than any human would need. But before Tony would be able to do anything on that front he would have to read a lot about nerves and prosthetics because that really wasn’t his field. 

What he could say at this point was that he would be able to make the arm lighter. The only thing he needed now was a way to get the old arm off. 

Tony spend the rest of the day tinkering on that and when the screen finally blurred in front of his eyes because of the lack of sleep he was no way near happy. 

It would be possible to remove the arm because there was a joint where the rips should be but it would be difficult and it had to be done during an operation because of the way it was integrated into the Soldier’s body. 

It was no wonder that the damn thing always hurt the Soldier but to get it off Tony would have to hurt the Soldier even more. 

He really hoped that he would get a chance to give the Solider his new arm but that was definitely not a thing he was looking forward to.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this and I can only continue to say how grateful I am for all your comments and kudos. It means a lot to me.
> 
> Come find me at my [tumblr](http://bloody-bee-tea.tumblr.com//)


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